Prowl
could have been a better movie. Not an “A” movie (that’s a thing, right?), though it had “B+” movie potential. But ultimately, its an object lesson in
how a workable idea gets marred by sloppy storytelling. How sloppy is it? It's so sloppy, that Manwich has an Executive Producer credit. It's so sloppy, every scene transition makes a squelching noise.
It's sooooo sloppy that…
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| This joke has been censored because- dammit- we have to draw a line somewhere. |
So what went wrong? Well, we can't get there without some major spoilers. If you’re itching to see this movie, go and buy an anthology with one of my short stories instead of reading the rest of this review. If
you’ve already done that…Well, thank you, and here’s a video of a cat.
Here’s the story: Amber is a small-town girl. She’s bored, restless, and her love life is only slightly
better than mine was at her age (in othter words, about as bad as it can get for
someone who’s 18, single, and kinda hot). She longs to escape from her one-shoe town
of Famfield to a new, exciting life in Chicago. “I won’t be happy,” she says, “until
I spend my first night in the big city.”
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| "And if your vagina is the 'big city', then I'd like to spend a night there, too." (Not actual dialogue from the movie) |
By the Conventions of Horror Movies (last ratified by the "Saw" Treaty of 2005), Amber convinces six of her friends to drive her to Chicago so she can put a deposit on an apartment. Of course their car breaks down.* But never fear, because a creepy trucker offers to let them ride in the trailer of his semi, except it turns out that the trucker gives them more than they bargained for.
Almost 30 minutes, one third of the entire movie, elapses before this, the first major plot point. Mind you, the trailer tucks away all of Amber's small-town angst within the first 30 seconds, leaving the remaining 3/4 of the time to advertise the actual horror part. In an approximately 90 minute movie, the difference between 1/3 and 1/4 is in the neighborhood of ten minutes, which can pack in a lot stuff. Cloverfield's long, awkward setup seems graceful in comparison to Prowl, whose story unfolds like paper in the hands of Parkinson's patient with a heated disdain for origami.
The trucker won't let them out until he drops them off at an abandoned slaughterhouse. And in the next 10 minutes, every one except Amber and her best friend Suzy are killed off by blurry, hard-to-see vampires. We know they are vampires because they a) have sharp teeth and b) tend to go for the neck. Suzy disappears after a few more minutes, too. Seriously, the attrition rate of this movie is like Saving Private Ryan with Mina Harker instead of Matt Damon.
But we do learn a couple of things in the process. The trucker is paid by the vampires' matriarch, Veronica, to bring in prey so her brood can learn to hunt. Amber also manages to pin a vampire, who tells her that usually the trucker brings them junkies; y'know, people that no one would miss.
Amber runs away from the vampires for a while longer, and then comes the Big Twist.
Amber does not just survive by the grace of the Conventions of Horror Movies. It turns out she's a vampire, too. Whether or not Prowl violates the Conventions is currently under investigation by the Voorhees Tribunal in the Netherlands. But seriously folks, no. It doesn't defy convention, though it's still a workable idea.
Laying subtle clues for a Big Twist is one of the coolest tricks of story telling. The makers of Prowl deserve points for trying, except their clues are, well, sloppy. To the filmakers' credit, the clues aren't too obvious, but that's actually the problem. Throughout the movie, Amber has visions. In fact, she has two separate visions of her running. Early on, it seems they symbolize her urge to escape, but after the Twist you just kind of think it means vampires are really good at cross country.
Amber also has visions of being attacked by vampires, which doesn't seem to make much sense because she's also a vampire. Why would she dream of being attacked by her own kind? Maybe its denial. Actually, it makes sense after thinking about it for a while, but that makes it a clue with rough seams. There are other clues, too. She's lost interest in the taste of food. She also works at a butcher shop and obviously doesn't mind blood. And her lush of a mom lets slip that she's adopted.Overall, the clues add up well enough but that's faint praise for something that's supposed to be a startling revelation.
The rest of the movie deals, in short shrift, with Amber coming to terms with her vampirism. Naturally, she doesn't want to stay with Veronica and co. They try to force her to feed on a still-living, battered Suzy but she, instead, rescues her friend by taking advantage of a big, accidental explosion. If that's not enough of a deus ex machina for you, a rapey hobo attacks Suzy, which gives Amber a chance to lose control and drink some human blood before the credits roll. And now that I've used the terms "rapey hobo" and "deus ex machina" in the same sentence, I can scratch another item off my bucket list.
Telling a good story is difficult, and there are far worse movies out there than Prowl. Actually, it could have benefited from being about a half hour longer. Making the protagonist a vampire toward the end of the movie is a nice idea, and Amber's vampirism- and its obvious impact on her friendship with Suzy- are issues worth exploring. But ultimately, these were missed opportunities that show how the movie doesn't live up to its potential.
*As stipulated by the Scoobie Accords of 1969, which were renewed in 1997 with the added provision that all events from the previous summer must be recorded and reported in a timely manner to a dude with a hook for a hand.
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| Nope. Wrong Movie. |
Almost 30 minutes, one third of the entire movie, elapses before this, the first major plot point. Mind you, the trailer tucks away all of Amber's small-town angst within the first 30 seconds, leaving the remaining 3/4 of the time to advertise the actual horror part. In an approximately 90 minute movie, the difference between 1/3 and 1/4 is in the neighborhood of ten minutes, which can pack in a lot stuff. Cloverfield's long, awkward setup seems graceful in comparison to Prowl, whose story unfolds like paper in the hands of Parkinson's patient with a heated disdain for origami.
The trucker won't let them out until he drops them off at an abandoned slaughterhouse. And in the next 10 minutes, every one except Amber and her best friend Suzy are killed off by blurry, hard-to-see vampires. We know they are vampires because they a) have sharp teeth and b) tend to go for the neck. Suzy disappears after a few more minutes, too. Seriously, the attrition rate of this movie is like Saving Private Ryan with Mina Harker instead of Matt Damon.
 |
| Sorry, General. Nazis are the worst things I'll fight. |
But we do learn a couple of things in the process. The trucker is paid by the vampires' matriarch, Veronica, to bring in prey so her brood can learn to hunt. Amber also manages to pin a vampire, who tells her that usually the trucker brings them junkies; y'know, people that no one would miss.
 |
| Because once you do drugs, no one ever remembers you. |
Amber does not just survive by the grace of the Conventions of Horror Movies. It turns out she's a vampire, too. Whether or not Prowl violates the Conventions is currently under investigation by the Voorhees Tribunal in the Netherlands. But seriously folks, no. It doesn't defy convention, though it's still a workable idea.
Laying subtle clues for a Big Twist is one of the coolest tricks of story telling. The makers of Prowl deserve points for trying, except their clues are, well, sloppy. To the filmakers' credit, the clues aren't too obvious, but that's actually the problem. Throughout the movie, Amber has visions. In fact, she has two separate visions of her running. Early on, it seems they symbolize her urge to escape, but after the Twist you just kind of think it means vampires are really good at cross country.
 |
| No, really. All this blood in my locker is just an illegal performance enhancer. |
The rest of the movie deals, in short shrift, with Amber coming to terms with her vampirism. Naturally, she doesn't want to stay with Veronica and co. They try to force her to feed on a still-living, battered Suzy but she, instead, rescues her friend by taking advantage of a big, accidental explosion. If that's not enough of a deus ex machina for you, a rapey hobo attacks Suzy, which gives Amber a chance to lose control and drink some human blood before the credits roll. And now that I've used the terms "rapey hobo" and "deus ex machina" in the same sentence, I can scratch another item off my bucket list.
 |
| Yet 'Make Out with a Hobo' keeps mysteriously reappearing on my bucket list. |
Telling a good story is difficult, and there are far worse movies out there than Prowl. Actually, it could have benefited from being about a half hour longer. Making the protagonist a vampire toward the end of the movie is a nice idea, and Amber's vampirism- and its obvious impact on her friendship with Suzy- are issues worth exploring. But ultimately, these were missed opportunities that show how the movie doesn't live up to its potential.
*As stipulated by the Scoobie Accords of 1969, which were renewed in 1997 with the added provision that all events from the previous summer must be recorded and reported in a timely manner to a dude with a hook for a hand.
